When is a sense of control better than a sense of accomplishment?

Once again I haven't written on here for a while. I feel like I owe it to myself to give an update on my NaNoWriMo progress.

First of all, I did not finish my book in under 30 days. I still plan to finish it, as the story exists in its entirety inside my head. However, I came to a stunning realization as I resisted the urge to work on the novel during the month of November.

In the beginning of the month I was off to a great start. I was over 10 percent of the way done 3 percent of the way through the month. Then one day life started getting in the way. By the time life began slowing back down I realized how far behind I was. In my current line of work, deadlines aren't a common issue. But one night I started to get that old feeling deep down in my belly. The deadline for this novel project was quickly approaching and I was beginning to feel guilty for not doing better on my goal.

That's when it hit me.

I spent years in school and through jobs sweating deadlines and agonizing over impending due dates. Through all those years the guilt was there because there were consequences for missing those deadlines. I was beholden to someone else.

No longer.

In the last few years, I have had an issue feeling like I have a total lack of control. In this moment I realized that I was in charge. I had the control. I could choose not to finish this project on time, and, more importantly, I could choose not to feel guilty about it.

I admit it was a little sick, but it felt so good to make that choice and stick to it.

And that is how a sense of control trumps a sense of accomplishment.